Rough Draft to 15 different poems, books, memoirs, sermons, confessions, apologies, blog entries and maybe one eulogy?

Tuesday, June 23, 2009 at 12:30am, revised 09/18/2009

So, I lost weight, I went to the gym, I controlled portions, I ate a freakin’ grapefruit for my snack and I’M HUNGREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY!!! I want a real snack. Ugh. See, I really want to be in shape. I want to be healthy, I want to get strong and sexy and chiseled. I want to be a swirl of curve and muscle with a layer of delicious softness. I want to look good. For me, for you, for my husband.

Oh, and don’t get me started on him. He’s been at the gym almost every freakin’ day for over a month and I just want to tell you that he looks terrible and I hope you never notice in your entire life how fantastic my husband is…because he isn’t like me. He doesn’t need attention like I do and if you ever touched him…well, somebody would die…not sure who though… Oh yeah, but back to me, I want to get in shape and healthy and strong and sane and continue what I call my super hero training. I have this little person that I need to take care of, this bigger person that I need to love, this calling that I need to obey…I can hear my womb calling, calling for another. The third. See, the second one got a away.

I bled for 20 days, I still can’t believe that little one got away and my goodness did that little one get away real, real slow. Iris told me, you have to come back, it’s ectopic, there is no way around it, if you don’t, it will grow wherever it is and you will rupture and it will fill you stomach with blood. So methotrexate, two shots in the butt. Weekly blood tests until she said okay…now about your pre cancerous cervix….But I want to try again, he wants to try with me, we could maybe make another little person. The third, hope she won’t get away. She, he? Any chance? Wish I could skip all the bad parts of the my first school year. Wish I could skip the ugly words, the surgeries, the giant syringe, the blood, the pressure, the bottle of pills, the wishing I could die…that a bus would hit me…the screaming…I sure wish I could skip all that and keep all the beauty that slid in between. Working to find a way to not speak of this school and it’s inhabitants with unbalanced hate.

Year two – recovery, recovery, recovery and set back and recovery and the threat of non-enrollment. See the dirt under my nails? It’s my skin and a little of my blood. I try to wash my hands, wash my mind, wash my self real good before I put on my robe and preach but I end up showing my wounds. Wounded Healer, my ass. I want to be a superhero. A force. I want to pray and preach and make beauty when I’m not screaming or looking in the mirror wishing I could change myself.

But I lost weight! I’ll be in the gym tomorrow right next to him because it makes me feel good (he makes me feel so good) and I’ll be at therapy on Wednesday. I’ll keep loving the most beautiful boy in the world everyday even when I’m telling him to STOP THAT! He dances when he walks, he sings when he talks, he laughs all the time, his hugs are perfect even when they are half-hearted because he is a big boy now…thank you.

Can’t wait ’til morning when he climbs into my bed and says, “Good morning, mommy!” And then hugs me. ¬†When he goes to school, I think about all that I have not completed…incomplete, incompletes. So tomorrow… I will try again to eat, to exercise, to feel good, to love, to accept love, to kiss, to hug, to write, to complete, to hip, to hop, to don’t stop…again.

Advertisements

Weigh In – 138lbs

Okay, stats:

Starting Weight: 140

04/26/2009 138

Goal Weight: 125

This whole thing started because of problems with my leg. My prosthesis seemed to be chewing into it and I was going without it more than I ever have. That, in and of itself, was a challenge and taught me how to be quite brave on crutches. A few weeks ago I was at my in-laws house and got on the scale. I was 140 lbs without my prosthesis. This, my friend is no good. So I that is when it all became clear. Weight gain => Leg problems. So the solution to this is weight loss. I’m working to exercise more. Drink 4 bottles of water per day = 67ishounces. Track my eating and activity on www.fatsecret.com. Partnering with my husband and one of my sistergirls. Two lbs. So happy. Keep it going. Superheros need to be fit to do their jobs.

Relax into Fall – 06/09/06

Here’s an email from 2006 about phantom pain and being an amputee. I wrote this to my pastor after she preached a sermon with the above title….

Today is the day where I am being challenged to do that. My nerve endings are firing off like crazy. Take the sensation of your foot falling asleep, turn it up to 10, 20, 50, 100 or 1000 and experience that feeling off and on for hours in the foot that you no longer have because you are an amputee. That was my evening. I did not handle it well last night but I started to focus and breathe and pray and now I am doing better. I believe that there may be a lot of amputees who could be chronically depressed, drug attics, alcoholics, cutters or just plain mean because they cannot figure out a way to deal with phantom pain and sensation.
I asked Lewis why he’d want to deal with this for the rest of his life and he said, “Because I love you.” Wow. So today, I am working it out. I am praying, focusing, breathing, using visualization, you name it. God has given me the tools to deal with and sometimes defeat this thing. I praise him for that. And its amazing how much better I deal with it, when I relax…..