Rough Draft to 15 different poems, books, memoirs, sermons, confessions, apologies, blog entries and maybe one eulogy?

Tuesday, June 23, 2009 at 12:30am, revised 09/18/2009

So, I lost weight, I went to the gym, I controlled portions, I ate a freakin’ grapefruit for my snack and I’M HUNGREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY!!! I want a real snack. Ugh. See, I really want to be in shape. I want to be healthy, I want to get strong and sexy and chiseled. I want to be a swirl of curve and muscle with a layer of delicious softness. I want to look good. For me, for you, for my husband.

Oh, and don’t get me started on him. He’s been at the gym almost every freakin’ day for over a month and I just want to tell you that he looks terrible and I hope you never notice in your entire life how fantastic my husband is…because he isn’t like me. He doesn’t need attention like I do and if you ever touched him…well, somebody would die…not sure who though… Oh yeah, but back to me, I want to get in shape and healthy and strong and sane and continue what I call my super hero training. I have this little person that I need to take care of, this bigger person that I need to love, this calling that I need to obey…I can hear my womb calling, calling for another. The third. See, the second one got a away.

I bled for 20 days, I still can’t believe that little one got away and my goodness did that little one get away real, real slow. Iris told me, you have to come back, it’s ectopic, there is no way around it, if you don’t, it will grow wherever it is and you will rupture and it will fill you stomach with blood. So methotrexate, two shots in the butt. Weekly blood tests until she said okay…now about your pre cancerous cervix….But I want to try again, he wants to try with me, we could maybe make another little person. The third, hope she won’t get away. She, he? Any chance? Wish I could skip all the bad parts of the my first school year. Wish I could skip the ugly words, the surgeries, the giant syringe, the blood, the pressure, the bottle of pills, the wishing I could die…that a bus would hit me…the screaming…I sure wish I could skip all that and keep all the beauty that slid in between. Working to find a way to not speak of this school and it’s inhabitants with unbalanced hate.

Year two – recovery, recovery, recovery and set back and recovery and the threat of non-enrollment. See the dirt under my nails? It’s my skin and a little of my blood. I try to wash my hands, wash my mind, wash my self real good before I put on my robe and preach but I end up showing my wounds. Wounded Healer, my ass. I want to be a superhero. A force. I want to pray and preach and make beauty when I’m not screaming or looking in the mirror wishing I could change myself.

But I lost weight! I’ll be in the gym tomorrow right next to him because it makes me feel good (he makes me feel so good) and I’ll be at therapy on Wednesday. I’ll keep loving the most beautiful boy in the world everyday even when I’m telling him to STOP THAT! He dances when he walks, he sings when he talks, he laughs all the time, his hugs are perfect even when they are half-hearted because he is a big boy now…thank you.

Can’t wait ’til morning when he climbs into my bed and says, “Good morning, mommy!” And then hugs me.  When he goes to school, I think about all that I have not completed…incomplete, incompletes. So tomorrow… I will try again to eat, to exercise, to feel good, to love, to accept love, to kiss, to hug, to write, to complete, to hip, to hop, to don’t stop…again.

Eff Hebrew

Here we go again. Starting in August, I will brave the Summer Hebrew Intensive again and I’ll relearn Biblical Hebrew.  I am excited to gain and retain the vocabulary and grasp the concepts better. I am determined to win. I need to get myself together so I can schedule time to pre-study. Really need that!!! I believe it will benefit me greatly in terms of confidence in my academic abilities. Additionally, it will enable me to find fuller and better interpretations of scripture that can be used in sermons, counseling, teaching and personal bible study. There is so much to gain. 

Part of me is so excited for the opportunity and the other part of me feels like I’m about to do battle, hence the title of this post. I think the hardest battle is against myself. So how much of my own fear and loathing will I need to destroy to get through Hebrew?  I don’t know. I think I’m in for a hard battle. But it’s time to win.

A few guidelines for Winter Quarter and beyond

In light of the drama of last quarter I’ve decided to set a few guidelines for Winter 2008 and try to create some good habits:

  • My Day Off – If I don’t have class, I don’t have to come to campus. With proper planning, I should be able to avoid schoolwork altogether on my day off. If, sometimes, I do need to do some schoolwork then it should be limited to a few hours and not take up the whole day. And if I do come to campus, it has to be for something good, like singing or working out.
  • Home Care – I need time to take care of myself and my house. This is evidenced by the fact that my house looks like crap. A crappy cluttered house is not a good study environment and its bad for my self-esteem. I like to throw parties and have company and this is keeping me from it. Sooo, there will be home care and me care on my day off.
  • Calendar time – I have to take time each week to update my calendar. This will keep me on top of school, church and life happenings which should help me reduce stress. This is work so I’m not doing it on my day off.
  • Cooking– I want (us) to lose weight and I want (us) to be healthier. If I want to do either of these, I need to control what I (we) eat and cooking ahead is the best way for me to do. I (we) weigh more than I’ve (we’ve) ever weighed in my (our) whole life and I’m not comfortable with that. It gives me no margin of error. I am not changing my clothing size because I am cute and I want to stay that way. Additionally, I’d like to get pregnant so losing 5 to 10lbs (15 max) would be great so I have baby room and (hopefully) don’t need to switch to a new size post partum. AND I’m a good cook so why not continue to hone my skills? How else will I ever become a cooking ninja?
  •  Exercise – Have Mercy! This is such a hard subject. I have so much trouble doing this. I just need get my heart rate up and do a little resistance training for heart health and bone density. Additionally, I really want my body tightened up. One of my girls told me that I made her sick because I had a baby and I’m still the same size. I informed her that I may be the same size but I am not the same shape. I want my muscles and I want my abs back. I’ve got to do something! FitTv, yoga and pilates dvd, abs video, running around with Lolo and dancing! Does dragging my backpack 3.5 blocks to campus everyday count? I sure hope so. So if I can just up my activity from backpack dragging then that should equate some kind of weight loss, I hope. Argh.
  • Me Care– I’ve been mentioning it but it needs its own bullet point. Quiet time, alone time, creative time, beauty…sheesh. I never get to soak in the tub. I need to get a massage at least quarterly (before finals). I want to get my hair did at least quarterly. Mani/pedi. Stuff to give me some time away and to also make me feel good! Going dancing.
  • Business  – This Avon thing was not working with school. Not much is but I want to keep at it a little longer and figure out how to tailor it to my schedule. Additionally, I want to start selling my art and my crafts. This is a dream for me and I really want to make it happen but I will not stress about it. One thing at a time.
  • Husband and Wife time – Gosh, this is a big deal. We need to try to get date night up to once per month. We’ve got some great restaurants on our list and we live in Chicago. There is plenty to do and many opportunities to enjoy some time alone. Making to most of this before we have another child is imperative.
  • Family time– Mr. Baby is now Mr. Toddler and is at the stage where we can start going to museums and other cool sites. I think this summer is really going to be big for him. He is going to be 3 and he’ll be entering Pre-School. I’m so excited and I want to expose him to as much fun, culture and activity as possible.
  • Bible Study/Prayer time – You’d think someone going to Divinity school would have this one on lock right? Nope. My church does one on Wednesdays at 7:15pm. My MDiv cohort is planning to do one on Fridays at 7pm.  I plan to attend both as much as I can and try to do some personal reading on my day off. Prayer time is weird. I mean I do a lot of talking but meditation and listening is an area where I am in need.
  • Grace – Give and get. I want to give as much grace to others as I would hope to get myself and I want to give myself more grace. I want to do great things, accomplish goals and be ‘super’ but I do not want to beat myself up when things don’t go well or when I screw up. That is where grace comes in. I think the previous one might help with that.
  • Ministry – Often ministry happens and often I go with it but I’d like to be more purposeful and aware. I want to see it and be conscious of it and I want to do it well. I also want to be more clear about what God really wants me to do. School is supposed to help me do ministry and give me some useful tools. I also hope to get some insights from God as I continue the M.Div program. I want to look at my classes with that in mind. I am in this program to gather some of the tools and skills to do what God has called me to. I want to pray and ask God what He wants to show me in each of the classes I’ve chosen. I want to be open and present and conscious and embrace what He has for me.

That’s enough for now.

Lose Yourself

You know, Eminem is ‘special’ but I feel him on a lot of these lyrics.

“Lose Yourself”

Look, if you had one shot, or one opportunity
To seize everything you ever wanted-One moment
Would you capture it or just let it slip?

His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
There’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
He’s nervous, but on the surface he looks calm and ready
To drop bombs, but he keeps on forgettin’
What he wrote down, the whole crowd goes so loud
He opens his mouth, but the words won’t come out
He’s choking, how everybody’s joking now
The clock’s run out, time’s up over, bloah!
Snap back to reality, Oh there goes gravity
Oh, there goes Rabbit, he choked
He’s so mad, but he won’t give up that
Easy, no
He won’t have it , he knows his whole back’s to these ropes
It don’t matter, he’s dope
He knows that, but he’s broke
He’s so stagnant that he knows
When he goes back to his mobile home, that’s when it’s
Back to the lab again yo
This this whole rhapsody
He better go capture this moment and hope it don’t pass him

[Hook:]
You better lose yourself in the music, the moment
You own it, you better never let it go
You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
This opportunity comes once in a lifetime yo

The soul’s escaping, through this hole that it’s gaping
This world is mine for the taking
Make me king, as we move toward a, new world order
A normal life is boring, but superstardom’s close to post mortem
It only grows harder, only grows hotter
He blows us all over these hoes is all on him
Coast to coast shows, he’s know as the globetrotter
Lonely roads, God only knows
He’s grown farther from home, he’s no father
He goes home and barely knows his own daughter
But hold your nose cause here goes the cold water
His hoes don’t want him no mo, he’s cold product
They moved on to the next schmoe who flows
He nose dove and sold nada
So the soap opera is told and unfolds
I suppose it’s old partner’, but the beat goes on
Da da dum da dum da da

[Hook]

No more games, I’ma change what you call rage
Tear this m************ roof off like 2 dogs caged
I was playing in the beginning, the mood all changed
I been chewed up and spit out and booed off stage
But I kept rhyming and stepwritin the next cypher
Best believe somebody’s paying the pied piper
All the pain inside amplified by the fact
That I can’t get by with my 9 to 5
And I can’t provide the right type of life for my family
Cause man, these g*****
food stamps don’t buy diapers
And it’s no movie, there’s no Mekhi Phifer, this is my life
And these times are so hard and it’s getting even harder
Trying to feed and water my seed, plus
Teeter totter caught up between being a father and a prima donna
Baby mama drama’s screaming on and
Too much for me to wanna
Stay in one spot, another day of monotony
Has gotten me to the point, I’m like a snail
I’ve got to formulate a plot fore I end up in jail or shot
Success is my only motherfucking option, failure’s not
Mom, I love you, but this trailer’s got to go
I cannot grow old in Salem’s lot
So here I go is my shot.
Feet fail me not cause maybe the only opportunity that I got

[Hook]

You can do anything you set your mind to, man

Thank God for grace and mercy. Opportunity does knock more than once and God gives us so many chances to get it right. He has mercy on us daily. Every morning, in fact, his mercies are new every morning. I need every single one He’s got…especially now.

Galileo by The Indigo Girls

This spoke to me. I think the chorus caught my attention but the song is very compelling:

Galileo’s head was on the block
The crime was looking up for truth
And as the bombshells of my daily fears explode
I try to trace them to my youth

And then you had to bring up reincarnation
Over a couple of beers the other night
And now I’m serving time for mistakes
Made by another in another lifetime

How long till my soul gets it right
Can any human being ever reach that kind of light
I call on the resting soul of Galileo
King of night vision, king of insight

And then I think about my fear of motion
Which I never could explain
Some other fool across the ocean years ago
Must have crashed his little airplane

How long till my soul gets it right
Can any human being ever reach that kind of light
I call on the resting soul of Galileo
King of night vision, king of insight

I’m not making a joke, you know me
I take everything so seriously
If we wait for the time till all souls get it right
Then at least I know there’ll be no nuclear annihilation
In my lifetime I’m still not right

I offer thanks to those before me
That’s all I’ve got to say
Cause maybe you squandered big bucks in your lifetime
Now I have to pay
But then again it feels like some sort of inspiration
To let the next life off the hook
But she’ll say look what I had to overcome from my last life
I think Ill write a book

How long till my soul gets it right
Can any human being ever reach the highest light?
Except for Galileo God rest his soul
(Except for the resting soul of Galileo)
King of night vision, king of insight

How long
(till my soul gets it right)
[til we reach the highest light]
How long
(til my soul gets it right)
[‘til we reach the highest light]

My first paper

Woohoo! That was so hard! And its not that good. Its done, but its not that good. Its a good idea, but its not that good. I handed it in and found a flaming typo!! One of those, oops I put the cursor in the wrong place and just started writing kind of typos. Ugleeee. Oh well, its turned in now. I’ll be interested to get Dr. Gilpin’s comments. I’m considering this paper to be the baseline. It will help me figure out what he wants and what he expects. Maybe. And then I can move forward and improve.

I enlisted the help of the sweet husband (Mr. Journalism) and Crystal (writing diva and PhD candidate) to look it over and  give input so I can fix it and I know what to do next time. yey. I am also going to ask Yanna to take a lookie at it and give me some feedback. I want to get good at this again. I recall being a good writer in undergrad and I know I’ve been a pretty good writer since then so now I need to get my skills back. Crystal recommended a class called Academic & Professional Writing so I think I will take that next quarter to help me out.

I love to write and read so, in theory, I can only improve from here and the possibility of having fun while I’m at it seems likely.

So Slaughtered-So Thankful

So the 3 week summer language intensive was so ugly for me. The final did not go well. I have not seen the grade but I know I got slaughtered. When your teacher offers you a “do over”, you know how you did. Thank God for her for giving me a retake. So the rest of this week in dedicated to fixing that and studying so I can get through the next Hebrew class. I was talking to Mary Ellen and she asked me if the other students had taken Hebrew before. I believe all of the other students had previous experience with either Hebrew, biblical or modern, or another ancient language. I believe I was the only one in the class that had no previous experience. Interesting. It made me feel a little better. I’m most happy about how calm I am about all of this.