Quitting

I have the passionate desire to walk away. To quit. Scrap the mission. To cry, “Uncle!” I want to quit sooo bad! It’s sooo very too hard to do this.
This is where folks tell me or, if the tables were turned, I’d tell them to lean on God, to draw strength from the source of everything. I KNOW THAT!
I am failing at being strong. I am failing at trusting again. I am failing at faith. I am failing at rejoicing in God’s strength being made perfect in my weakness! I suck at discipline. My heart is broken in multiple places. I want to quit. And even as I want to, I can’t. Tonight, I pray at my son’s daycare program. Sunday, I preach at my internship church. I have papers to write to maintain my license & I have classes to complete & a degree to finish to be an ordained minister. I actually believe that this is what God called me to do. I want to see it through but my current life & method is failing. I feel like I am failing. I am so glad that this is my pseudo anonymous blog. I need to get this out. I need to start over. Maybe I need to quit. How can I start over? How do I begin again? How do I recover & heal. It’s all too much. I have feelings of abandonment, poor self-esteem, I worry that people think I’m weak. I am weak. I worry that because of it, I will lose opportunities. My friends say that if someone rejects me then well, it’s their bad & they are wrong. If they hold my humanity against me then they are not the people I should want approval from anyway. BUT THAT DOESN’T PAY THE BILLS! But those people don’t pay my bills either. They just make me crazy. The thought of their disapproval, disdain & gossip kills me! I let them hurt me & meanwhile, they are not even worried about me! They don’t care! I do not want the approval of these folks. They don’t communicate well, they are self important, they are frontin’, they are cold hearted, they don’t keep promises & they don’t offer help. When they do, you are obligated & indebted. Oh & some of them are racist & some go along to keep position. I am angry & hurt.

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2 thoughts on “Quitting

  1. I love how you made the, they don’t pay my bills analogy. It’s funny how we put so much stock in other folks. But, who are they and why do we care so much what they think? The age old question!

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