Telling a Secret – because this blog is anonymous!!! Well, sort of…

So, I am pretty darn sure that I’m pregnant and I really want to tell the world but according to the pregnancy calculator, I’m only 4 weeks pregnant. Amusingly enough, I peed on that EPT stick and it turned almost immediately. Did I mention that the pregnancy test expired in March of 2009 and that the instructions advised me not to use an expired test? So, yeah, I used it and that little plus sign popped right up!! Very exciting. Now I have to go get a free pregnancy test. Free because we don’t currently have health insurance because of our financial situation. Free because I’d rather spend our money on food or health insurance or car insurance or home owners insurance or the mortgage. All of which have either lapsed or we are severely behind on (note that sentence ended with a preposition).   LOL. So, I’m working on all of this. I’m pregnant! It’s like yelling in a whisper. I’m pregnant, I’m pregnant, I’m pregnant.

The last pregnancy was ectopic. I lost that baby so quick it was mind boggling and it’s taken (taking) about 2 years or so to get over it. Over it? Through it is more accurate. I’m so excited. My son needs a sibling, oh, so bad. In my opinion, he will thrive having another person in his house and someone that he feels he can take care of and be in charge of. Except, of course, I hope I rarely tell him that he is in charge of her(him). I think it will be a boy but I’d love a girl. A brother would be so cool. He always talks about his imaginary brother. I wonder what a real one would be like. Of course, the perfect little cookie cutter scenario would be a girl as the second child. I’ll take what God gives me, I want what God says is best for me. I have girl names though. The boy name is harder:

Leon, Lyon, Leo, Lennox, Lee, Lionel, Lane (Lain, Laine)?, Lawson, Leo, Levi, Liam, Lloyd, LOGAN (I like this one), Lynden, Lalo, Lombard (no), Lowery, Leonardo, Lyle (Lisle)… I like Logan. We’ll see.

One day at a time and we have a very long way to go before names are a serious topic. Although, I’d like very much to pick one now. I have a girl name already, actually, I have a few.

According to the pregnancy calculator, my due date is August 21, 2010 which is sooo cool because it is 3 days before my husbands birthday. Now that would be cool.

Now it’s about health, nutrition and fitness. Lot’s of self-care. I’m so happy. I’m almost, pretty much certain that I’m pregnant. I’m not telling anyone but you so keep it a secret, okay? Thanks. Oh, please do me a favor and pray for me and my family. We need all the help we can get and your prayers would be oh, so appreciated.

Blessings and Joy,

csh

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Quitting

I have the passionate desire to walk away. To quit. Scrap the mission. To cry, “Uncle!” I want to quit sooo bad! It’s sooo very too hard to do this.
This is where folks tell me or, if the tables were turned, I’d tell them to lean on God, to draw strength from the source of everything. I KNOW THAT!
I am failing at being strong. I am failing at trusting again. I am failing at faith. I am failing at rejoicing in God’s strength being made perfect in my weakness! I suck at discipline. My heart is broken in multiple places. I want to quit. And even as I want to, I can’t. Tonight, I pray at my son’s daycare program. Sunday, I preach at my internship church. I have papers to write to maintain my license & I have classes to complete & a degree to finish to be an ordained minister. I actually believe that this is what God called me to do. I want to see it through but my current life & method is failing. I feel like I am failing. I am so glad that this is my pseudo anonymous blog. I need to get this out. I need to start over. Maybe I need to quit. How can I start over? How do I begin again? How do I recover & heal. It’s all too much. I have feelings of abandonment, poor self-esteem, I worry that people think I’m weak. I am weak. I worry that because of it, I will lose opportunities. My friends say that if someone rejects me then well, it’s their bad & they are wrong. If they hold my humanity against me then they are not the people I should want approval from anyway. BUT THAT DOESN’T PAY THE BILLS! But those people don’t pay my bills either. They just make me crazy. The thought of their disapproval, disdain & gossip kills me! I let them hurt me & meanwhile, they are not even worried about me! They don’t care! I do not want the approval of these folks. They don’t communicate well, they are self important, they are frontin’, they are cold hearted, they don’t keep promises & they don’t offer help. When they do, you are obligated & indebted. Oh & some of them are racist & some go along to keep position. I am angry & hurt.