Not pregnant yet, ^@*&%#!

Nope. Last time it took two months. I shouldn’t complain, this is only the first month. I’m not really sad but….it would have been nice to get my way. See that’s what I get for thinking that I could plan this. It will happen when its supposed to. I’m not in charge and its not about me or my timing. I should tell myself that over and over until I understand it, accept it, believe it. I should just shut up and enjoy myself.

Oh, one of my Div school cohorts asked me if I was crazy (for trying to get pregnant). She asked me how I would do it with school and all. I nodded in agreement in regard to the being crazy and then I told her something like this:

I don’t know but I’ll tell you what I do know.

She waited.

I will be 37 in October.

She immediately understood and said, “Okay.”

You know? I was pretty sure that that age answer would work on people….well, it worked on her anyway….

Shout out to my cousin Angie. I hope she comments on this one.

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Quitting

Today, I really wanted to quit Hebrew. I’m not getting it. Its HARD!!!! My fellow classmates and DDHers continue to assure me that I can do it. That I WON’T learn it now. That I just need to GET THROUGH IT. That I can go back later when I can breathe and learn it for real….but for now, study and regurgitate. They tell me that I will learn the framework, the how-to that will get me to where I want to be. They also said that I should take it while I have a good teacher. So, I’m not quitting but I want to.

So Slaughtered-So Thankful

So the 3 week summer language intensive was so ugly for me. The final did not go well. I have not seen the grade but I know I got slaughtered. When your teacher offers you a “do over”, you know how you did. Thank God for her for giving me a retake. So the rest of this week in dedicated to fixing that and studying so I can get through the next Hebrew class. I was talking to Mary Ellen and she asked me if the other students had taken Hebrew before. I believe all of the other students had previous experience with either Hebrew, biblical or modern, or another ancient language. I believe I was the only one in the class that had no previous experience. Interesting. It made me feel a little better. I’m most happy about how calm I am about all of this.

Our Deepest Fear

The other day my mother called me and asked me to find that quote from Akeelah and the Bee. I immediately knew what she meant. Today I found the original quote (see below), the book it came from, and the author’s website. Another thing Mom wants me to do is frame the quote and bring it to her. I’ll do that and maybe one better. Maybe I’ll get her to the book too. I’ll have to take a look at it and decide. I’m so glad she called me and asked me to do this. Here’s the full quote:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” – Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of A Course in Miracles.

Part of the above quote is painted on the wall in Dr Larabee’s office in Akeelah and the Bee.

“What does it mean?.

“That I’m not supposed to be afraid.”

“Afraid of what?”

“Afraid of…me.”

Its amazing how often we hide our talents out of fear. Fear of failure, fear of ridicule, fear of success. When we hide our talents, we live beneath our purpose. The repercussions of hiding out are farther reaching than our own sad pile of “couldas” and “shouldas.” When we hide out, we not only hurt ourselves but we also deprive the world of the gifts that God placed in us. God gives us gifts and those gifts are meant to be shared because God given gifts change lives.

“Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God.”

Each breakthrough, each triumph, each failure, each falling down and getting up is another step in the long journey of walking into our purpose. The best thing about it is that we don’t have to walk by ourselves. God is always there teaching and guiding (like Dr Larabee only better). And to make it fun, God sends us friends who share our interests and desires and who are willing to travel with us on the journey(Like Javier and Georgia).

So why not get started or start again? Say a prayer, listen for instructions and get to steppin’.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Akeelah_and_the_Bee