New EDD 08/23/2010

Okay so I want to see my new OB. Her name is Dr. Nicole Leong and she is awesome. She SAT DOWN and TALKED to me! Ain’t it sad when that is a big deal? I enjoyed talking to her. We discussed all sorts of stuff. VBAC, being 39, natural vs. caesarean, etc. Last Friday, I had an ultrasound and the tech complimented me on having my dates right based on the baby’s size. She also said that my prosthesis was cold on her arm which is really funny. I never would have thought of that. Obviously we discovered that when she was doing an internal ultrasound. She did a belly one too because my ovaries were hiding. Too funny. Anyway, I sent the pictures to my friends, moms and dad. It was nice. I better go I’m supposed to be running errands.

Telling a Secret – because this blog is anonymous!!! Well, sort of…

So, I am pretty darn sure that I’m pregnant and I really want to tell the world but according to the pregnancy calculator, I’m only 4 weeks pregnant. Amusingly enough, I peed on that EPT stick and it turned almost immediately. Did I mention that the pregnancy test expired in March of 2009 and that the instructions advised me not to use an expired test? So, yeah, I used it and that little plus sign popped right up!! Very exciting. Now I have to go get a free pregnancy test. Free because we don’t currently have health insurance because of our financial situation. Free because I’d rather spend our money on food or health insurance or car insurance or home owners insurance or the mortgage. All of which have either lapsed or we are severely behind on (note that sentence ended with a preposition).   LOL. So, I’m working on all of this. I’m pregnant! It’s like yelling in a whisper. I’m pregnant, I’m pregnant, I’m pregnant.

The last pregnancy was ectopic. I lost that baby so quick it was mind boggling and it’s taken (taking) about 2 years or so to get over it. Over it? Through it is more accurate. I’m so excited. My son needs a sibling, oh, so bad. In my opinion, he will thrive having another person in his house and someone that he feels he can take care of and be in charge of. Except, of course, I hope I rarely tell him that he is in charge of her(him). I think it will be a boy but I’d love a girl. A brother would be so cool. He always talks about his imaginary brother. I wonder what a real one would be like. Of course, the perfect little cookie cutter scenario would be a girl as the second child. I’ll take what God gives me, I want what God says is best for me. I have girl names though. The boy name is harder:

Leon, Lyon, Leo, Lennox, Lee, Lionel, Lane (Lain, Laine)?, Lawson, Leo, Levi, Liam, Lloyd, LOGAN (I like this one), Lynden, Lalo, Lombard (no), Lowery, Leonardo, Lyle (Lisle)… I like Logan. We’ll see.

One day at a time and we have a very long way to go before names are a serious topic. Although, I’d like very much to pick one now. I have a girl name already, actually, I have a few.

According to the pregnancy calculator, my due date is August 21, 2010 which is sooo cool because it is 3 days before my husbands birthday. Now that would be cool.

Now it’s about health, nutrition and fitness. Lot’s of self-care. I’m so happy. I’m almost, pretty much certain that I’m pregnant. I’m not telling anyone but you so keep it a secret, okay? Thanks. Oh, please do me a favor and pray for me and my family. We need all the help we can get and your prayers would be oh, so appreciated.

Blessings and Joy,

csh

Quitting

I have the passionate desire to walk away. To quit. Scrap the mission. To cry, “Uncle!” I want to quit sooo bad! It’s sooo very too hard to do this.
This is where folks tell me or, if the tables were turned, I’d tell them to lean on God, to draw strength from the source of everything. I KNOW THAT!
I am failing at being strong. I am failing at trusting again. I am failing at faith. I am failing at rejoicing in God’s strength being made perfect in my weakness! I suck at discipline. My heart is broken in multiple places. I want to quit. And even as I want to, I can’t. Tonight, I pray at my son’s daycare program. Sunday, I preach at my internship church. I have papers to write to maintain my license & I have classes to complete & a degree to finish to be an ordained minister. I actually believe that this is what God called me to do. I want to see it through but my current life & method is failing. I feel like I am failing. I am so glad that this is my pseudo anonymous blog. I need to get this out. I need to start over. Maybe I need to quit. How can I start over? How do I begin again? How do I recover & heal. It’s all too much. I have feelings of abandonment, poor self-esteem, I worry that people think I’m weak. I am weak. I worry that because of it, I will lose opportunities. My friends say that if someone rejects me then well, it’s their bad & they are wrong. If they hold my humanity against me then they are not the people I should want approval from anyway. BUT THAT DOESN’T PAY THE BILLS! But those people don’t pay my bills either. They just make me crazy. The thought of their disapproval, disdain & gossip kills me! I let them hurt me & meanwhile, they are not even worried about me! They don’t care! I do not want the approval of these folks. They don’t communicate well, they are self important, they are frontin’, they are cold hearted, they don’t keep promises & they don’t offer help. When they do, you are obligated & indebted. Oh & some of them are racist & some go along to keep position. I am angry & hurt.

Self Investigation: Healing

Here’s a paper I wrote for Pastoral Care class about an experience with healing.

Testimony about ministry and pastoring

So I sat in my hotel room with my brother’s girlfriend today. I told her about being a minister. How it happened to me, why I love it, what it means to ‘be’ with people and how awesome it is…I love this work. I love my life. I’m thankful for the opportunities I have to learn and grow, the people I get to meet and journey with…I am still afraid. BUT I’m not going to stop. There is something amazing, again, around every corner. I want to be there for the next amazing something (someone). I want to be there to see people grow, to see people get delivered, to hug and pass out tissue, to c celebrate and to mourn. To eff up and to triumph in this thing called life, in this thing called ministry, in this thing called relationship. I want to grow up in this thing called ministry. I even want to visit the hospital and the funeral home. I do and I will. Sharing life in it’s good and bad incarnations seems to be what I love about ministry. “Hello, I’m csh and I’ll be your co-journeyer until God says different…Oh, and I’ll be preaching sermons, sharing what I learn from God with you and praying for you too.  And I have every expectation that you will do the same with me – on purpose and on accident.” I think that is what pastoring is so far. Of course, there’s more but I feel like this is a big part of it.

Oh and the other thing. “I’ll be trying really hard to take care of myself and be introspective and reflective and repentant and real with myself so I can be real with you. I think, that might be good for both of us.”  This, I believe, not only improves my relationship with God but my relationship with myself and with others.

I pray God will bless this journey.

Just Like Job By Maya Angelou

My Lord, my Lord,
Long have I cried out to Thee
In the heat of the sun,
The cool of the moon,
My screams searched the heavens for Thee.
My God,
When my blanket was nothing but dew,
Rags and bones
Were all I owned,
I chanted Your name
Just like Job.

Father, Father,
My life give I gladly to Thee
Deep rivers ahead
High mountains above
My soul wants only Your love
But fears gather round like wolves in the dark.
Have You forgotten my name?
O Lord, come to Your child.
O Lord, forget me not.

You said to lean on Your arm
And I’m leaning
You said to trust in Your love
And I’m trusting
You said to call on Your name
And I’m calling
I’m stepping out on Your word.

You said You’d be my protection,
My only and glorious saviour,
My beautiful Rose of Sharon,
And I’m stepping out on Your word.
Joy, joy
Your word.
Joy, joy
The wonderful word of the Son of God.

You said that You would take me to glory
To sit down at the welcome table
Rejoice with my mother in heaven
And I’m stepping out on Your word.

Into the alleys
Into the byways
Into the streets
And the roads
And the highways
Past rumor mongers
And midnight ramblers
Past the liars and the cheaters and the gamblers.
On Your word
On Your word.
On the wonderful word of the Son of God.
I’m stepping out on Your word.

Psalm 55

A friend of mine posted this summary of Psalm 55 on his status on Facebook:

“Open your ears, God, to my prayer; Come close and whisper your answer. I really need you. My insides are turned inside out. Get me out of here; I want some peace and quiet and I’m desperate for change. I call to You, and my life is well and whole, secure in the middle of danger. I pile my troubles on Your shoulders—You’ll carry my load, You’ll help me out…And I trust in You.”  Psalm 55, Message

For the full passage, click here.

Rough Draft to 15 different poems, books, memoirs, sermons, confessions, apologies, blog entries and maybe one eulogy?

See the dirt under my nails? It’s my skin and a little of my blood. I try to wash my hands, wash my mind, wash my self real good before I put on my robe and preach but I end up showing my wounds. Wounded Healer, my ass. I want to be a superhero. A force. I want to pray and preach and make beauty when I’m not screaming or looking in the mirror wishing I could change myself….

30 Things Every Woman Should Have and Should Know by the Time She’s 30

http://www.glamour.com/magazine/2007/02/things-women-should-have-and-know-by-30

This article is great. It’s a checklist. I find it useful for personal reflection. I think I will use it as baseline to start my memoirs. Funny to think about writing them but I think my children will, at least, find them useful or vaguely interesting. LOL!

Quote of the Day

I think sanity is overrated.
- a preacher friend